I’m too tired, I have not been this stressed or deeply sad before. I don’t know if you will know what I mean by being sad. But I’m beyond being disappointed, and I know for a matter of fact, it will not be any easier, there are sad facts in this universe & I have to accept that it is the way it is.
There is nothing harder than accepting what you can’t understand and trying to reason what’s beyond the capacity of comprehension.
In my world, There is an open loop, between unwashed clothes' basket and unfolded clean clothes, everything seems outside the closet, I made it a point this weekend that everything is getting washed and folded and in the closet, ready for next week.
no maid, not even part time.
I did my first spin class, I survived it! It wasn't easy, my face remained red for the following hour, mom thought I was wrestling bulls, I want to remember this day, I really laughed at myself, I was looking at my reflection on the glass, I was struggling to paddle while standing on the bike on my second attempt, never done that before (first shout, I stayed on the saddle) ;" we are a team, use the energy from the people around you, no one leaves the class except if they will pass out, puke, or r too thursty, think outside the box"
best part is the 2 minutes after you finish the workout right before stretching begins, lying flat on the floor, in my head, " its over, and it feels good"
I hardly could press publish on any post lately, because when I start writing, it goes as if I'm sorting out my thoughts and end up writing something with you reading it in mind and I just don't feel at home.. I used to write freely, I feel very kicked out from my own self, space and being, I can see me thinking, writing, living while I'm not.. I'm not there.. It's been a while.
I can't accept pain for people I know in person, it's torture for me, while they are like all other beings who will get sick and go through aging, my brain just can't cope with it. I don't accept it and I don't accept losing a loved one.
I have a lot of insecurities & fears, who doesnt? I know for a fact that I can be any opposite/ elevated version of me if I want to. whichever way I tread, I will grow. progress is inevitable, but know that your fears can grow too, it can encircle you, and stop you from being so many things you have the core for. a little courage. Just some courage.
when visiting the sick, support bringing salty treats, fruit basket instead of Arabic desserts
I'm too tired & I want to sleep
I love you dad, I love you mom, I love u sister
I have butterflies in my tummy, it's 2 am and I can't sleep, I have a meeting at 8 tomo that I hope goes well, half of my team r out of the country and though I'm a bit worried which is very much how I cope while constantly thinking of all possibilities, it's a chance to test myself if I'm ready for more responsibility. I push away finish lines, whenever I'm faced with something, I raise a flag demanding my time, which always has added reserve or a multiple of what is actually needed. I must try a lot more and fail a little more to break the barrier of fear. today, I was watching the last samurai for the first time, and there was a scene when Tom cruise was taught how to fight and he was told that he has too many minds, and I believe it's very true, sometimes I notice multiple threads of thoughts instantly happening and sometimes negating each other, it's like many buses and ur deciding which one to ride, is this overworking the mind, I think it certainly is, the ability to focus is when u r in sync with yourself and when u have or you CAN'T see your mind at all. it's the source of confidence and is how I define believing in your thought and hence yourself, I often found it amazing how my mom acts with over confidence, and how she buys a product after she sees an add on TV and how convincing she is when she talks to anybody, it's simply because she believes in what she says. she doesnt doubt. now, this is the recipe for moving out of where u stand, but will not change ur route, doubting is like a point waiting a signal to move anywhere around 360 direction, but u r still standing where u r. so better not to have a mind at all or maybe a combination of both. anyhow, night. I'm off to sleep
I cud run out of battery before I publish this one, today I was out with a friend I knew for almost 7 years, and it struck me that it's been +7 years since 2003!! we r in 2011, I was looking at Amman, and it's beautiful at night, it got a charm, I don't like it much at daytime especially with the traffic
I'm writing to note that often we forget to search for ourselves, subtracting what we do to survive from the equation, and through that little window of free hours we spare for ourselves each day, even becoming narrower, look for what you came here for and tell the world about it